


Of Mary Sues

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Humor, Other - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 22:35:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3746153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A poem about the Sues of LOTR.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Mary Sues

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

**Of Mary Sues**

**Summary: A guide to Mary Sues of LOTR, in poetry.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR. The line about how Sam will kill her if she tries a thing is from Cassie Claire's Very Secret Diaries.**

A Sue is a girl

Who has it all

She's powerful, she's smart

She's sexy and tall

And all of the males

In ME will just love her

Though really they wish

Off Mount Doom they could shove her

You may be wondering

The reason why

So many people

Think Sues must die

Well, wonder no more

For this poem will tell

Why all Mary Sues

Are demons from hell

All Mary Sues

Are very cliched

Though most will get reviews

That say they're just great

Most of the Sues

Are about the same thing

And copy the script

Of the movie of 'Rings'

Mary Sues have names

Like Katalina Nicole

Moonlight Rosebeam

Deandraloel

Arakasafyna

Legola Fae

Emerald Amethyst

Alolonae

Luthien Shayana

Araianasame

Glinda Andromeda

And that's one tenth her name

Most Mary Sues

Boromir hate

Because he tried to take the ring

He'd apparently rape

An 'innocent' girl

Cause he's evil like that

It's one of the things

That makes flamers most mad

On the other hand, "Leggie"

The Sue will just love

Not all of them do

But way more than enough

They'll end up together?

Wow, how fantastic!

(In case you can't tell

I'm being sarcastic)

Still other characters

Will barely exist

Mostly the characters

Sue'd rather die than kiss

Most Mary Sues

Are gentle and sweet

As well as gorgeus

From head to feet

These personalites

Are all so fake

They'd have too much sugar

For ten billion cakes

But there are also Sues

Who aren't so nice

They're the ones whose eyes

Are described 'cold as ice'

These types of Sues

People also hate

For they always dish out

But never can take

Some other Sues

Fall in with their friends

And act like preschoolers

With short attention spans

It's meant to be funny

But I would say

An empty lead pencil

Has more point any day

Lots of Mary Sues

Have a tragic life

Her mother is dead!

Her dad whips her each night!

She's been molested!

She's never known love!

At this point, most decent

Readers throw up

Some of the Suethors

Say "She's not a Sue!

She's really flawed

And reallistic too

She has dirty blonde hair

And she's overweight!

I hate Mary Sue!

Do you hear me? Hate!"

Those are the facts

The author percieves

And the ones that flamers

Don't believe

Some Mary Sues

No man will need

For they are great warriors

And they no one heed

Yet in the end

They'll fall, as is known

For Eomer, Legolas

Or Aragorn

Other Mary Sues

Come from Earth

With outrageous prophecies

Made for their birth

And Frodo, of course

They will outshine

Although all that they do

Is make dumb comments and whine

Some Sues are crossovers

Like from Hogwarts School

If it weren't so cliched

This just might have been cool

Where she and her friend

Find a portal to ME

Where they find they are speshuhl

And have a prophecy

The problem with these

Is that they're overdone

And will mangle two canons

Rather than one

Other Sues are hobbits

Who come from the Shire

To sleep with the Ringbearer

Is what they conspire

As if he doesn't have

Enough problems, with the Ring

At least we know Sam'll kill her

If she tries a thing

Still more Mary Sues

Have Sauron for a father

How'd an eye make a daughter?

We'll never discover

Though she acts evil

She's good deep inside

As we'll learn when Legolas

Comes into her life

All older than four

Predict right from that start

That our favorite elf

Will capture her heart

Other Sues

Will be Elrond's daughter

They're all so cliched

It's hard holding in laughter

They make Elrond protective

His two sons pranksters

Arwen a girly-girl

And Mary Sue angsty

For she's never had freedom

To do what she wants

But she makes people sick

With all her bratty rants

Some of the Sues

Are Aragorn's sister

These we all hope

Will get caught by a twister

As Aragorn's sister

They know how to fight

They've got "eyes gray as steel"

And "hair black as night"

They also gets to meet

Some of "Gornie's" good friends

Including the Elf

All fall for in the end

The worst types of Sues

Are mythical creatures

Unicorns and faeries

Some stories will feature

And should anyone say

That they there don't belong

The author will die

Before saying she's wrong

Why would an author

Write a Mary Sue?

To boost her self confidence

Up from negative two

I might be exaggerating

But mostly it's true

This is why most people

Would write a Sue

Thank you for reading

About Mary Sues

Though I will not beg

I would like a review

Also, please do not write

Any stories like that

Unless what you want

Is for readers to gag


End file.
